(formatted for web viewing.)
SAMANTHA: I knew you’d pay a price for this. I knew you couldn’t be so hopelessly geek-ridden for so long without suffering some really tragic consequences.
PETER: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? (Samantha is gazing around, listening. Beat.) What happened? One minute everything’s fine…What went wrong?
SAMANTHA: We’re supposed to be at home. We’re supposed to be in color! (Gazing around. Listening.) There is a great disturbance in the force.
PETER: (Walking and talking like Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean.) Why is there always no more rum?
SAMANTHA: So, Peter, you’ve become a pirate. (Beat as she adjusts her thinking.) You’re a… you’re a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother, and … (Beat.) I’ve just had an apostrophe.
PETER: I think you mean an epiphany. (Suddenly very drunk.) I’ll have what she’s having. Drinks all around!
SAMANTHA: You know that place between sleeping and awake? (PETER picks up a stuffed animal “pig” from her bed and begins to engage with it.) That place where you still remember dreaming?
PETER: That’ll do, Pig. That’ll do.
SAMANTHA: (To PETER, frustrated.) What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.
PETER: Nothing a bottle of Jack and a knife can’t fix. (Then, picking up a bottle of soda or something. To the pig.) It’s called champagne. Champagne is a great leveleler, leveler.
SAMANTHA: I suppose you think this is very funny.
PETER: I’m very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening’s over.
SAMANTHA: Maybe we could live without the wisecracks.